Lately I’ve been reflecting a lot about many different things in my life, reevaluating them and changing the things I need to see progress. I have realised that right now, I’m not where I want to be, and unfortunately that is my fault. I’ve ’manifested’ everything in my life right now, mostly out of some very real fears and worries. But I don’t want it to be like that any longer, and the good news is that if I’ve manifested this so far, I can manifest a different one too. What a relief.

Now, I’ve been reevaluating my online presence too, especially in this rapidly changing environment. It’s scary to think about what is going on around the world right now, the insincerity, inability to communicate and misinformation that is absolutely rampant.

I’m tired of it, horrified and annoyed. Why must hatred, anger, offence and nastiness be the first and most common responses. In sick of it. The negativity online has completely turned me off from it but the distraction of constantly having to perform and post if I want success is also another big barrier for me.

I’ve enjoyed seeing my author instagram account grow, but as I grow and my life changes, the prospect of posting daily for scraps of attention is incredibly unappealing. I dislike the fast, snappy social media format, especially when it comes to reading and discussing books. These conversations are so important and nuanced, and I feel that there are so many times when they devolve into stupid arguments where no one can truly articulate or comprehend the others points within the tiny comments. I feel that this is so pointless in the end, and it has definitely discouraged me from posting recently.

The time away has not really bothered me, and I almost forgot all about my account until a notification popped up the other day. It’s inspired me to really think about what I want from this account.

The world of self publishing is rough, and there are lots of things you have to do yourself as an author. Self promotion has never been my specialty, and I don’t enjoy it enough to spend the hours required to improve on it. I am happy being self-published, even if my sales are low, because it is an achievement I completed and am proud of.

Yet, I also dream of being traditionally published. I’m working on the manuscript for my second series, and while it’s still in the developmental stages, I think it has potential. I understand that in this social media age, the ability to market yourself and your work is integral, and that having a decent following on my accounts could help give me an edge as I go to publish. However, I haven’t converted many of my followers into buyers yet, and I don’t see myself being the kind of author to spend hours working on promo material (even if when I get my publishing deal!). This is not to say that I am lazy or that I don’t care about these aspects of the job, it’s just not really something I can give all this time to yet.

So what to do? I have no real solution just yet. I hope that my latest manuscript will be my ticket to a publishing deal and a different kind of lifestyle, but I am aware that the competition is fierce. There is no real point to deleting my author account, and if I post occasionally to it I always have the potential to create another trending reel (I still cannot believe one of mine has over 300k views!).

I want to blog more too, though it is increasingly difficult as university resumes this week. The ability to consistently post is something I’ve always struggled with, so this is an excellent challenge for me to continue trying to achieve. Then there is the matter of my confidence in writing. I often fear that my posts are not good enough, that they don’t cover enough of the issues I want to write about, or that I might come across as a know-it-all or completely uneducated on a topic. Is that a female thing or is that a ‘the internet is a scary place even if you are perfect and prepared’ thing? Will we ever know…

Fortunately, I do have an idea for this problem! I am going to try the age-old trick of doing the damn thing every day. Writing a small blog post every day and posting it with minimal editing. Sorry in advance. This is going to be a project for me to build consistency and confidence in my ability, while also forcing me to write about topics even when I’m nervous or unsure about them. Case in point: I’m going to try and summarise one of my readings by Bakhtin this week, on the evolution of the novel. Wish me luck.

Hopefully this will be a positive experience for me, and one that helps me grow as a person, writer, thinker, and creative. See you tomorrow.