Embarrassment is the cost of entry!!! Add that to the list of sayings which haunt me every day, right alongside ‘Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly’ and ‘Everywhere you go, there you are.’ Alas, in my efforts to write more, be consistent, and work through the mental blocks I have reached an emotion which pretty much everyone despises: embarrassment.

embarrassment (ɪmˈbarəsmənt)

noun Meaning a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness;

Sounds awful, feels worse. Anyway, embarrassment is one of many unfortunate aspects of life, and avoiding it doesn’t help. So, today let’s face it as best I can.

In my life, I often joke that I don’t feel embarrassment or shame, because I hate them so I just choose not to be embarrassed. I think the horror of embarrassment is in the judgement we get from others disgust, confusion, or pity. However, if I don’t really care what they think, and I’m choosing to do the things I enjoy or find interesting or cool, then why would I feel embarrassed?

My too-cool attitude has one fatal flaw: I’m still human, and even I cannot escape the feeling of embarrassment, though I do try.

Usually, embarrassment is experienced when something we feel shame about something we care about. For me, I’ve realised that this thing I really care about is competency. I like being intelligent, capable, and able to figure things out. So, whenever people even insinuate that I cannot do something, I react…not well. I’d rather make my own mistakes and find a way to solve them than have anyone do it for me, thereby (in my mind) undermining my own agency and ability to fix an issue. I have no problem asking for help—when I want/need it, but unless I ask? Get lost.

It’s not good, and the first step to remedying this issue is of course recognising it so I can change it. Reflecting on my life has helped me to notice this pattern, and now I understand why I get so angry when people ‘take over’. I’m slowly changing how I think so I can be more objective, and recognise when I need to calm down and communicate my thoughts more clearly.

But it’s a whole different ballpark when it comes to my art. I love writing, truly, but as someone who values competency so much, it’s difficult to stick with it when I don’t feel like I’m at my best. And even then, my best is still not as good as I would like it to be. So I get stuck, choosing to do nothing instead of trying and potentially being seen failing. The horror.

I wrote a little while ago about how I need to push through and do things even when I don’t feel like they’re great, because they will ultimately help me achieve my goals. We need to look a little silly sometimes, but that’s the secret sauce. A bit of discomfort for a lifetime of chasing my dreams? What kind of fool would I be if I don’t even try? And even if you do look silly for a bit, at least you’ll have a good story about it at the end.

It’s funny, even writing that down and realising that there is truly no losing if I just try, I feel more motivated. Maybe that’s what I needed: to consider the possibility of it working out—and if it doesn’t? Still no great loss.

But the real kicker? Most of the things I think are silly and embarrassing, others find inspiring. For a long time, I felt so anxious to tell people I wrote a book, and self-published it too. I didn’t want to invite their judgement into my life, especially if they read it and hated it. But no matter who I’ve told, they’ve always been incredulous and excited. To them, my project is amazing, and often something they would like to achieve too. Holy perspective shift Batman!

I hope this will be a good reminder for me going forward. What I’m doing is different, and not always easy, but it is worth it because it brings me closer to the things I want most. It’s also a great reminder that I am my own harshest critic. Who knows? Maybe this time it’ll stick!