I’ve been thinking about this question recently, as I’ve been unable to write for a myriad of reasons (life—it happens).

It’s annoying because I feel my best when I’m being creative and sharing my work, so stagnation makes me feel like a caged animal. Pacing back and forth, I can see freedom outside the bars, but I can’t quite reach it.

Dramatic I suppose, but I’m in a dramatic mood today. I’m pissed, frustrated, and sad. I want to write, but I can’t and it’s infuriating. More infuriating is my inability to diagnose what my real motivation is for doing this anyway.

Why do I want to write?

Well, because I love it—that’s the answer, right?

If I only do it because I love it, then that should solve the issue. I’ll just write some words and then I should feel better.

But I don’t feel better when I just write whatever, so there has to be more to it.

I want my work to be good. As in, high quality, enjoyable, well-crafted, entertaining, gripping, understandable, unique, and all the other key words that writers love to use when speaking about their work. I want it to be great. So, plain old words on a page doesn’t do it for me.

Okay, so I want to write great things? Or do I want to write and be great? Well, lots of great writers died broke, committed suicide, and/or weren’t recognised until well after their deaths. The thought of that is also yucky.

Goodness, do I want recognition? In this life?? In this world???

It’s a scary thought, especially these days. In a world of declining intelligence and a literacy crisis, wanting recognition for your work is like asking for art critique from a slug.

Do I want that?

(Ugh, if you’re exhausted reading these thoughts, please know it is infinitely worse in my head, thinking my thoughts all the time.)

No, I think it’s something different altogether that motivates my writing. Manifestation teachings are…questionable at times, but they do pose interesting questions, specifically for motivation. Most importantly, when manifesting something, they teach that you aren’t looking for the thing or desire itself, but the way it will make you feel.

So, recognition could be one of those things, but in my private imaginations for the future the common theme is freedom.

I want the freedom to do, go, be, see, and have all sorts of things throughout the different periods of my life.

I want to go where my attention and interests take me, all around the world.

I want to break free from the ‘rat race’, and I want that for others too.

I’ve always struggled with this last desire, because of how many people tell me it’s impossible. We can’t all have the things we need, they tell me over and over. Shaking their heads in pity and sorrow, as if I’m a child who has just asked for a unicorn. ‘They don’t exist silly!’

Why can’t I wish for people to have good lives? Why can’t we hope for everyone to have what they need and a bit space to search for more too?

We live on a planet of such abundance and surplus that everyone could live well. I find it unfathomable that wanting this (even if it is a pipe dream) could be bad. Attainable or not, who are you to squash this desire?

Anyway, I’m getting self-righteous now, and off-topic.

The point is this: I want freedom. My God, you can see that in the second paragraph of this post! We always know what we want deep down, even if we can be the last to see it sometimes.

Writing, will hopefully help me to achieve this.

Sorry, making money writing will help me to achieve this. Unfortunately, making money through writing is the hard part.

That has never stopped me though, and it won’t now. I’ll just keep showing up until something works. No other way to do it, right? Isn’t that what they say: ‘A winner is simply a loser who refused to quit, learned from their setbacks, and tried one more time.’

I’ll get back up again and again until it works.

One day my blog posts will be read by thousands and people will use my advice to improve their own lives or learn from my experiences.

One day my books will be on best seller lists, in libraries and ebook-shelves.

One day my songs and films will be on every radio station and in every theatre around the world.

Who’s to say they will or won’t? I’m getting better at letting worry go and focusing instead on the things I can do and can control. Because as I said before, external recognition is fickle. Maybe people will love my work and maybe they’ll hate it. I only hope I get to experience that freedom I seek sometime soon.

Many thoughts today, but I’m glad I could get these out. Who knows who it might help? Honestly though, I’m hoping that one day I’ll get to look back on these words knowing I’ve made it.

Until next time, X