Hard truths are painful to hear, but you’ll be better for it.

You have to forgive yourself if you want to grow, and this is something I’ve been seriously pondering recently. Ultimately, it comes down to this question: Can you make peace with your unlived life?

Humans are imperfect, and we make so many mistakes. Too often, we get into our heads and let the negative spirals take us all the way down. We see all the ways we have messed up, hurt others, hurt ourselves, and made our lives harder or worse. I know I do.

Going to therapy hasn’t really helped me get better yet, but it has given me an outlet to face these choices I made when I was younger. Honestly, I’m still young, and so inexperienced in lots of ways. I look back with a lot of regret, wishing I had done so many things differently, but I am beginning to realise that I couldn’t have done any better. Recognising that I did the best with what I had (even if that was next-to nothing), means I have been able to come to terms with my decisions. I don’t always like them, and I don’t have to either. But I can’t keep returning there and shaming myself for the stupid things I did.

Making peace with your past is the first step to making peace with your unlived life. I can look back and think of all the actions I would change to create a different life for myself, but I cannot change the past. We hear this all the time, but it’s not until you really sit with it that you start to understand. No matter how many things could have gone differently, they didn’t and they won’t.

So, that’s all well and good to say, but what are the actual steps you can take to accept your past choices, and make peace with the unlived life you can imagine for yourself?

1. Interrupt your thoughts

This is going to be one of the most difficult, but ultimately rewarding things you will ever do. You must interrupt your thoughts, and replace them with better ones.

When you start to think about these things that ‘could have’ or ‘should have’ happened, you must stop them. Notice when you are thinking about it, and what brought it up. Maybe something triggered this memory, so you can be aware the next time you have to face that.

Then, acknowledge the thought. Physically stop yourself in what you are doing and say, ‘Thank you for showing me a different possibility, but I am here now.’ This seems silly at first, but you must do things differently if you want a different result.

Once you have acknowledged that thought, you must replace it with a new path. Think about what you are building towards now, and remind yourself that while you couldn’t or didn’t make the choice you would have liked in the past, you are making better choices now.

Everytime you practise something, you reinforce the pathway in your brain. Your negative thoughts have been wired in because you have practised thinking that way for so long. So, if you want to change a thought, you must practise new ones. Do this over and over again until the new thought pathway is easier than the old one.

2. Have a new plan and path forward

The best way to get over past bad choices is to have a good plan moving forward. While you replace your old thoughts, you should also have a new goal in mind that you are working towards.

Then, even though your brain likes to remind you of all the ways you failed in the past, you can cling to the fact that good things are coming! No matter the choices you made before, if you are making good choices now, the previous ones don’t matter.

Hope for the future is a powerful motivator, and it can bring us through all sorts of hardships. Hope provides a guiding light as we forge a new path towards things we want. Hope also helps us to show kindness and compassion to our past selves. They may not have had the help or support they needed to make good choices in whatever situation they were in, but hope says we don’t need to keep repeating those, we can choose better.

3. Be kind to yourself (relentlessly!)

Similar to the last point, you must practise self-compassion.

Now, compassion is a word that we sometimes throw around too liberally, but it is one of the most profound concepts out there. Compassion is not only a ‘feeling for’ another person in a tough situation, it includes the desire to alleviate another’s suffering. One who is compassionate is moved by suffering so much that they would help alleviate and prevent it.

People are often able to extend compassion to others, helping other humans where they can, and even assisting injured animals too. Yet, extending compassion to ourselves is a challenge. This practise is something you must learn and do daily, difficult as it may be.

To practise self-compassion, it is sometimes easier to imagine your younger self separately to you today. Find a childhood photograph of yourself and imagine that young girl or boy sitting in front of you. This is the person who made the choices they did, without support, without knowing better, without fully understanding the consequences of their actions.

There may still be hurt there from your younger self and even towards them, so you should not downplay that. However, you must learn to accept what was and remind yourself that you are making new choices now.

Thank and acknowledge your younger self for trying their best. Recognise that they couldn’t have done any better, and assure them that because you know better now, you will choose better now. I’m sure they’ll be just as relieved to hear it.

4. Get to work on building your new life

You can’t change the path, and you may be stuck with a lot of baggage because of it but you don’t have to stay there!

While you are on this journey, get to work building the life you want to live. It will take time, as all good things do, but it’ll be worth it.

Interrupting your thoughts, creating a new plan, and being kind to yourself is going to take work, but it will be easier when you know you are heading towards a life you enjoy.

Each day will get easier the more you practise kindness and build new neural connections in your brain. The hope you feel will drive you, and each step of progress will encourage you to keep going.

To ensure you aren’t missing any of it, I’d recommend opening a page in your notes app or Notion if you use it, and title it ‘Successes!’ Then, any time something good happens to you, from little happenings like getting a park close to the store or having a breakthrough in your career or healing, write it down! I have done this for almost two years now, and I cannot recommend it enough.

Summary

You’ll get there. If you stick with it, practise new thoughts, live with hope, show self-compassion and build a different life for yourself, you will get there. You have to, plain and simple. If you put the ingredients together to make a cake, mix them up and cook it, you will have a cake no matter how good or bad you feel about it. Building a better life for yourself is the same: do the work and the results will follow. Cause and effect!

Takeaways for you to use:

• Interrupt your thoughts by physically stopping, and replacing the negative one with a positive one.
• Imagine what you want for your future, plan for it, and make it happen.
• Be hopeful for your future, reminding yourself that you can always make the change you want.
• Practise kindness and self-compassion by envisioning your younger self, thanking them for their efforts and reassuring them that you are making positive change now.
• Keep going. If you take the steps towards the life you want, it will follow. You are not exempt from cause and effect, do the work and the results will come.

So where are you going to start? What new additions are you going to make in your life? Do you have any other tips or advice that has helped you grow? Let me know, I want to hear your stories too.

Until next time! x